Things I used to forget before I had a place to write them down...etc.

From Et cetera

Each human being upon their indoctrination into our civilization is automatically assessed an ass-kickery level at birth. This number is usually a variable between 2 and 7 (excepting extreme cases of uncool (ie. Bette Midler = 1) and extreme cases of cool (Samuel L. Jackson = 1,280)) and is calculated based on a mean average of the coolness of your parents.

So, everyone's favourite Baywatch buck comes it at a slight disadvantage, being that the only documented record of David Hasselhoff's parents is hearsay from a regular old guy who said that his parents gave him a bracelet once when he was 4 years old. Any parents that give away bracelets to toddlers have a mixed ass-kickery rating based on the fact that although it's cool to give stuff to toddlers, anything that they can choke on pretty much negates any pro-asskicking points you would have earned with such a kind gesture. For this reason, the Hasselhoff parents are averaging out at about 3.5.

Famous people, upon reaching fame status receive an automatic 10 points on top of their default rating, which brings David Hasselhoff to a rousing 13 in asskickery.

There are, however, other factors as well. For example, if you become famous for one thing (like say, oh, I don't know, playing Dr. Snapper Foster in The Young and the Restless for six seasons) but then dabble in another region of fame (like say, oh, I don't know, releasing an 80's rock album called Night Rocker), you gain a bonus 5 points to asskickery. However, if you exceed 2 areas of fame, those five points are going to be taken back, because at that point asskickery is just not realistic because no one man can kick ass in three separate areas of fame (except Samuel L. Jackson).

Unfortunately for David Hasselhoff, there were reports that he was going to do a musical collaboration with rapper Ice-T under the ultra G-stylez pseudonym of "Hassel the Hoff." Upon review by the National Asskickery Board of Governors, it was decided that this was so obviously not an asskicking career move that David would have all of his points revoked, including those he was originally entitled to simply for existing.

Since losing his status as an asskicking celebrity, David Hasselhoff has fallen into severe problems with alcoholism as well as announced his filing for divorce from wife, Pamela Bach.

So, in review:

Initial Asskickery level of 3.5 + 10 (celebrity bonus) + 5 (additional celebrity skill bonus) - 5 (celebrity sellout deduction) - 13.5 (total balance deduction for the ultimate in uncool) = 0

Typically, the solution to the equation would usually be divided by Hasselhoff's age (assuming the number is less than or equal to his age) to give the subject's total asskickery rating, because as we all know, younger people are way cooler than older people. However, since no number is divisible by zero, Hasselhoff is classified as an "unreal number" and is permanently off the asskickery list.

Chuck Norris, on the other hand, fought Bruce Lee in "Way of the Dragon."