Things I used to forget before I had a place to write them down...etc.

From Et cetera

In my books, it's an irrevocable sin of distinctive personal websites to beak off about how "the human race is stupid" or say things like "I can't believe how stupid people are" in that grainy, pre-pubescent high-school-cynic tone of voice, but frankly, I feel that I should at least acknowledge that as mundane as it is, there's certainly some truth in it. After all, stereotypes exist because of their basis in truth. However, I think it's time to point out some of our stupendous global community's better achievements.

The drum kit: a fine example of human achievement. The combination of stretched canvas and cymbals for percussion make a wonderful instrument. And while on the subject of instruments, the guitar, and any other string instrument, is extremely creative. I'm positive that the first form of music was singing, be it good or bad. Someone decided to give each level of pitch a name and thus came the introduction of music's note system. So, when the idea for the guitar came up, they found out that by holding down the string at a different point along its length, the pitch gets higher. So, they made the frets on the guitar so that there would be something for the string to press against. A few careful measurements, and each fret could be representative of a note used in singing. Instruments steadily became more and more complicated and then they decided to combine them. Since then, there have been orchestras and bands and all of it is extremely complicated. Musical production is top-notch amongst stuff that we do really well.

Now, onto something a little more stupid that spins off of the music industry. 8-track tapes. Do you know how stupid these things are? I mean, god!! How dim was the fool who made them up? For those of you that don't know how they work, the name of them pretty well says it all. Imagine an album with ten songs on it. Now, let's say this album has to be recorded in 8-track format. 8-track tapes work like this: There are 8 tracks and every single track has to be the exact same length. So, let's say that the set length for the tracks are 5 minutes each. Now, our ten-song album has to be divided into eight tracks somehow. That means that the ninth and tenth songs will have to be squeezed onto the eighth track somehow. That means that you'll have to fit tracks 8, 9 and 10 onto the eighth track, which is only five minutes in length. Well, that probably won't work out. Geez, what if track 10 is 8?minutes long? Then what? Well, then track ten will have to be divided between the 7th and 8th tracks on the tape, having five minutes of the tenth song on the seventh track and the remaining 3? minutes on the eighth track of the tape. Of course, this means that the ninth song has been bumped back to the sixth track on the 8-track tape. Before I really complicate things, let's look at this from another point of view: if each track is a maximum of five minutes in length, these eight tracks add up to a forty-minute album. Well, what if the total length of out ten- track album is longer than forty minutes? You know what those geniuses who made the eight-track system decided on doing? Well, if that's the case, the album will simply be two tapes in length. This applies even if the ten-track album of ours is about forty-two minutes. So there is a full forty minutes of music on one tape that belongs to the album, and the other tape consists of the remaining two minutes of the tenth song's 8 minutes, which has now been spread into three different tracks (7, 8, and 1 on the second tape). Of course, the sixth track on the first tape which had the ninth song probably now extends into the first few minutes of track 7 where the tenth song begins, and finally ends on the second tape, two minutes in, where there is 38 minutes of complete silence and seven other wasted tracks. Get it? Didn't think so. Anyway, that should at least give you an idea of what geniuses made the 8-track tape system. They obviously knew their math...

Okay, well I'll be frank with you, I'm not sure if that's exactly how 8-tracks work or not, but it's something like that and it's pretty dumb anyway. There's definitely eight tracks per tape, anyway. . . I think.

Now, back to a good invention. Back in 1876, just before receiving a call asking him if he would like to switch long distance carriers, Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone. The telephone, although often overused, is one of the better ideas our race has had. Taking it back a little further, it is actually language that is the better invention. Language is the best form of communication and the ability to use language over lengthy distances is extremely useful.

Want another stupid invention? Deely-boppers. Isn't that what they're called? Those queer little springy ear things on headbands that people wore to parties in the fifties and for some reason they are still being sold?

Other great inventions include sewing, calligraphy, art, holepunchers, denim, pencils, QWERTY Keyboard<nowiki>*</nowiki>, shelled peanuts, drywall, cordless telephones, ballpoint pens and fountains. Unfortunately, these numbers are outweighed a great deal by poor inventions such as landfills, chalkboards, overhead projectors, beef jerky, Duke Nukem, The Antique Road Show, info-mercials, bottled water, accordions, the tutu, straws, hair gel, The Canadian Antique Road Show, fish sticks, religion, cowboy hats, politics, self-help programs, support group diction, superstitions, devil worship, lexicography, homework, grass skiing, cigarettes, the can-can, decorative feathers for darts, books on tape, hang-gliding, oxygen bars (why we need them is our own bloody fault, after all), modern feminism, Pauly Shore, air horns, multi-vitamins, billboards, horoscopes, tracing paper, the acoustic guitar amplifier, the phrase "wannabe", polka, the fish bowl and many others.

I mean, this is ridiculous. We have to stop making stupid things. It's a waste of precious goods. If I ever meet anyone who owns something called PowerAbs, I will personally strangle them until they admit to me that the shipping and handling wasn't worth the product itself, nevermind the 14 easy payments of $16.95.

* Incidentally, the QWERTY keyboard is not listed as a brilliant invention for its typing efficiency. In fact, using the less popular Dvorak layout of the keys has been shown to produce faster typing speed over all. What makes the QWERTY layout a cool invention is because it is based on manual typewriters and the keys are arranged to separate the most commonly used letters in the hopes of preventing the ink-stamping arms of typewriters from getting stuck together on a regular basis.